5 Things To Do When Your Teen's Anxiety Turns into School Refusal
Does this sound familiar? “I cant go to school”, “please dont make me go”, or “I dont feel good, can I please stay home?”. School avoidance, on occasion, is not out of the norm for teens. In fact, it is pretty rare to find an adolescent that is excited to go to school every day. However, when every now and then resistance to attending classes turns into consistent and persistent refusal, things can start to feel like they are spiraling out of control.
It’s important to remember that school is not just a place where your teen goes to learn. It is also a complicated social environment where they make friends, shape their identity, and encounter expectations that can feel impossible at times. When school reluctance becomes complete avoidance or refusal your teen is expressing more than just not wanting to go to class.
Any time there is a consistent and intense emotional response from teenagers, there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. So, if your teen is actively protesting going to school, frequently complaining of being sick to stay home, or showing distressing physical or emotional symptoms when faced with having to attend school… it is time to dig deeper and see what is really going on.
Let’s talk about some potential root causes of school avoidance:
Teenagers can be harsh and the fear of judgment or rejection during the school day can be paralyzing. Raising your hand and saying the wrong answer in front of the entire class, not being picked as a partner for a project, having to present in front of a large group (let alone if its in another language), and having peers get mad at you for not performing well on their team in Physical Education (Gym class) are all reasons teens report not wanting to go to school. It is safe to say that your teen may be avoiding school to escape social pressures and the perceived scrutiny of their peers.
Bullying or Harassment:
The fear of being targeted or experiencing harassment can be a strong driving force to avoid school. When teens feel speaking up will make the bullying worse, or they dont trust the adults at school to do anything to protect their emotional or physical well-being, their options become limited. This can happen even if they are not the target, witnessing others being subjected to harassment and bullying is enough to make teens feel like school is not a safe place for them.
Struggling with academics can be a significant stressor. Class becomes a multiple daily reminder that they are “dumb”, “not good enough”, or falling behind their peers. Well-intentioned teachers may tell your teen they know they can do better, or to try harder. You may also stress to your teen that they are not performing the way you expect them to which adds pressure and a feeling of disappointment. Teens may avoid school to escape the pressure of academic expectations, especially when they feel they are falling behind or are unable to meet the standards of their teachers, parents, peers, and themselves.
Mental Health Issues:
Depression or anxiety disorders can contribute to school avoidance. Teens may find it challenging to cope with the demands of school when experiencing depressive or anxious symptoms which can include trouble concentrating, lethargy, and negative self-talk.
Family Issues:
Family conflicts, instability, or challenging circumstances at home can spill over into a teen's school life. Avoidance may become a coping mechanism as they try to navigate the emotions and stress they are experiencing in their personal lives.
While the above list of reasons is not exhaustive, its a good place to start in trying to identify why your teen is avoiding school.
The Impact of School Avoidance
School avoidance may allow your teen to escape their discomfort in the short term, but it is not without consequences. The impact of school avoidance can be far-reaching. For example, it is common for there to be increased academic issues ranging from a decline in grades, gaps in learning, and even loss of credit that can result in repeating a class or postponing a graduation to the next grade level. There is also a significant social impact. If your teen is not in school they are missing out on crucial experiences that help them to develop social skills and make friends. Further, while your teen may experience relief at first, research shows that school avoidance can take a huge emotional toll, causing increased feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem as your teen continues to see their academic and social challenges pile up. Last, but not least, avoidance can create family conflict. The desire to help your teen mixed with everyone’s frustration and fear can easily turn into tension at home.
Okay, so you’ve established your teen is avoiding or refusing to go to school. You may even have a good idea why at this point and you absolutely get that it is causing negative consequences for your child. What is the next step to address this issue?
Strategies for Support:
1. Open Communication
Encourage your teen to express their feelings and concerns about school without any judgment, problem-solving, or advice on your end. Just listen and witness their experience.
2. Collaboration with School Personnel
Working as a team with teachers, counselors, and school administrators to create a supportive environment at school is crucial. Teachers can help with the academic expectations and workload, counselors can help create a 504 plan if needed or serve as a helpful check-in or safe space during the school day, and administration can help with any bullying or changes to your child’s schedule as needed. Implementing academic accommodations and strategies to address your child’s specific school challenges can make a huge difference in getting your teen back into school.
3. Gradual Exposure:
Gradual exposure to the school environment can help desensitize teens to anxiety-provoking situations. This might involve initially spending short amounts of time at school (only going in for half days or specific classes at first) or participating in non-academic activities to build on positive and pressure-free school experiences.
4. Positive Reinforcement:
Acknowledge and celebrate small victories. Positive reinforcement can help boost a teen's confidence and motivation to overcome school avoidance. Recognize their efforts and resilience in facing challenges with verbal praise or even small rewards. This approach is more powerful than taking things away or punishing them.
If school avoidance persists, seeking the guidance of a mental health professional is essential. A teen therapist with a background in school counseling can be the perfect professional to help your teen address the underlying issues of their avoidance behavior and develop life-long coping strategies.
